Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Breaking news:
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Previously On Persistence 😎
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
so i’m at the stock market right