I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
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Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”