Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
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I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
This was my dad’s browser history.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?