I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
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Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.