Auto correct is my worst enema.
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How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
What the hell happened in there??
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
guilty
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*