“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…