Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
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when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*