Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
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“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night