Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
They’re really bad with fonts.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*