How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
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“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Good point.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters