feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
all bases covered
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please