My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
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“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera