The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
You Might Also Like
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.