If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
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When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots