Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
A roof is a house hat.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!