Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.