I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.