[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
ok like just. call me at this point
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
LA today:
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*