I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.