I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Pat is about to own someone
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Tier 3 meme
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need