My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe