Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
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Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I think about this a lot
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I hope this email finds you in a well
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
when someone rings the doorbell