Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.