Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
The nice thing about getting older is that you donāt even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarmsā¦
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldnāt floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years oldā¦ in Spice Girl years.
Driver: My Godā¦ that weaselā¦
Onlooker: He just wentā¦ āpopāā¦
Weaselās family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: Iāve got an idea for a song yāall.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Iāll start buying āsmartā appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think Iām texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know Iām taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; oneās a porn star.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real heād have a podcast by now