Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.