Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
You Might Also Like
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?