Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂