[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
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Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
*praying for world peace*
God:
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.