Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.