me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
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[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.