Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
New Tinder profile.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Nomnomnomnom
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”