-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.