How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
😂😂
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die