the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
You Might Also Like
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood