A lot of folks out there missing the point…
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
sir, my pâté if you please
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir