10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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never compromise your values
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No