ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
You Might Also Like
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Oops I deleted….
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?