If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
When libraries troll their patrons.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter