Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
#SaturdayBears
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.