Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
ok hear me out: Luigiana
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway