We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]