Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
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A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]