Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.