My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.