I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
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My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out