I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
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Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Just parrot things
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?