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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄