honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
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me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?