When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’