Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.